...when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!"

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

...and there is a horse serving drinks. The guy stares until the horse finally says, "What's the problem? Haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"

The guy says, "No, it's not that. It is just that I never thought the ferret would sell the place."
 

... and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.  Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ....very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?' The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

 

...to a California man and offered to grant him one wish. The man said:" I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime"

The genie frowned "I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking," he said. "Just think of the logistics. The supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"
The man thought for a while and then said, "Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women- what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy."

The genie was silent for a minute, then said "So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"
 

...say after he steps on an ant?

"Deadant, deadant, deadant-deadant-deadant, deadant, deadannnnnnnt"

...hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 5-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle." 

...if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," the defendant replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one." 

...driving home on Rt 95, when he gets a call on his cell phone from his wife. She says, "Dear, please be careful. I am watching the news, and they just said that a car is driving on Rt 95, going the wrong way!" The man replies, "Not just one car; there are hundreds of them!"

...and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.

...St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"  

...for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.

..."Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at Obama Health Care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

 

...was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points. After a battery of physical and psychological tests, the center's director told him that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive." "Yes, sir, it can," the director replied.

"An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politicians brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politicians brain? Why on earth is that?" "Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many politicians we would have to kill?"

 ...and go fishing for the day.  About noontime they have caught so many fish they cannot believe it.  One greenhorn says to the other "We have to mark this spot so we can come back here tomorrow." How are we going to do that says the other? Wow, we are in luck,there's a can of paint over there under the seat, we'll paint a big "X" in the middle of the boat and that way we know where to come back to. The other greenhorn says "Are you a bonehead! How do you know we,ll get the same boat tomorrow?" 

 

...a nun who walks in her sleep.  A "Roaming Catholic". 

 

Thank you to everyone who participated in our joke contest. We sincerely appreciate the time and effort everyone took to share their best, family friendly jokes with us.

After reviewing all of the entries that we received, we have chosen the following joke which was submitted by Kimeberly L. from Washington County, RI as our joke contest winner:

A duck waddles into a bar and hops on a stool. The bartender, irritated, says, "What'll you have?" The duck says, "Got any pickles?" The bartender spits and says "We don't have pickles here, We serve drinks. Now get out!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day, the same duck waddles into the same bar, hops on a stool, looks the bartender in the eye and asks, "Got any pickles?" The bartender, irritated, says, "I told you yesterday we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks, now GET OUT!" The duck hops off the stool and waddles out.

The next day the same duck waddles into the same bar and hops on a stool, looks at the bartender, and asks: "Got any pickles?" The bartender, infuriated, POUNDS his fist on the bar and yells at the duck. "I told you two times we don't serve pickles here, we serve drinks! If you ask me ONE MORE TIME, I'm going to nail your beak to the bar! NOW GET OUT!" With that the duck shrugged, hopped off the stool, and waddled out.

The next day, the same duck waddled into the same bar, hopped on a stool, looked the bartender in the eye and asked: "Got any nails?" The bartender, puzzled, said "No." The duck then looked him square in the eye and said, "Got any pickles?"

 

...having an affair with a young Italian woman.  One day the woman confides in the man that she is six weeks pregnant with his child.  The man tells the woman that if she is willing to go back to Italy to have and raise the child, he will send her $10K a month in support from the time the child is born until the child turns 18.

The woman agrees but wants to know how she should alert the man that the child has been born.  He tells her that after she gives birth, to send him a postcard written only with the word spaghetti.

Seven months later the man arrives home, and his wife tells him he has a rather strange postcard addressed to him, sitting on the counter.  The man walks over to the counter to find a postcard with a beautiful picture on it from Italy.  He turns it over, to find the following message:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - 2 with meatballs, 1 without - send extra sauce! 

...were chatting over the fence between their respective fields.  The first cow said, "I'll tell you, all this talk about mad cow disease has me really worried.  They say you don't even realize when you have it; and once your diagnosed with it there isn't anything they can do for you."

The second cow responded, "I wouldn't worry to much. From what I hear, it doesn't effect us ducks." 

...gets into an accident and falls into a deep coma.  Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and realizes she is no longer pregnant.  Frantically, she asks her doctor about her baby.   The doctor replies "Ma'am you had twins.  A boy and girl.  The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."  The woman thinks to herself-Oh no, not my brother, he's an idiot.  Expecting the worst she asks, "What's the girl's name?"  "Denise" the doctor says.  The new mother thinks-Wow, that's not a bad name.  I  like the name Denise.  I guess I was wrong about my brother.  "What's the boy's name?" she asks.  The doctor replies "DeNephew"

...drove into the same NYC office each day via the Lincoln Tunnel.  With gas prices rising, they decided to commute together. One of them had to drop out though because his eyes were bothering him.  The optometrist told him he had developed carpool tunnel syndrome.                                

...is preparing to give Johnny a shot.  Trying to distract Johnny, he asks him "If you found a couple of dollars and had to spend them what would you buy?"  "A box of Tampax" Johnny replies without hesitation. "Tampax? What would you do with those?" asks the doctor.  "Well, I don't know exactly, but they're sure worth a couple of dollars. "Oh yeah, how's that?" asks the doctor.  "Well" replies Johnny, "It says on TV that with Tampax you can go swimming,  horseback riding,  and ice skating any time you want."

was removing a cylinder head from a motorcycle when he notices a well known heart surgeon in his shop.  "Hey doc, can I ask you a question?" the mechanic shouts.  The surgeon a bit surprised, walks over to the mechanic.  The mechanic wipes his hands on a rag and asks, "So doc, look at this engine.  I open its heart, take the valves out, fix ‘em, put ‘em back in, and when I finish, it works like new.  So how come you make so much more money than I do, when you and I are basically doing the same work?"  The surgeon pauses, smiles and responds, "Try fixing that motorcycle with the engine running."

...a psychiatrists office with a carrot up his nose, a bread stick in his right ear, and a cucumber in his left ear.  He asks the psychiatrist, "What's wrong with me?"  The psychiatrist replies, "You're not eating properly."

...walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.  After he is finished eating, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the restaurant up, then runs out the door.  The bartender runs after him and yells, "You can't do this!"  "Sure I can," says the panda.  "Look me up in the encyclopedia."  So the bartender goes back to the restaurant and looks up Panda Bear in the encyclopedia and it reads:  Panda Bear- increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in parts of Asia.  It eats shoots and leaves.

...car crash and find themselves at the pearly gates. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say?"  The first guy says, " I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man."  The second guy says, " I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher, who made the world a better place for our younger generation."  After thinking about it for a few seconds the last guy says, " I would like to hear them say LOOK!!-HE'S MOVING!!"

...college the dean addresses all of the male students and states, "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students.  Any young man found violating this rule will be fined $20 for a first offense, $60 for a second offense, and $180 for a third offense.  Are there any questions?"  One of the students asks, "How much for a season pass?"

...both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team's game.  They promised whoever died first and went to heaven, would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.  One day Earl died.  Bob waited for days for Earl to come back, and finally he did.  Earl said to Bob, "I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that there is baseball in heaven."  "That's great," exclaimed Bob.  "What's the bad news?"  Earl responded, "You're pitching tomorrow night."

...his hamster to the vet and after a short look at the creature the vet pronounces the hamster dead.  "I want a second opinion" the man says.  So the vet gives a short whistle and in walks a Black Lab.  The dog nudges the hamster with his nose and sniffs it a few times before shaking his head.  "Clearly, your hamster is dead" says the vet.  Still not satisfied the man asks for a third opinion.  The vet opens the back door and in walks a cat.  The cat jumps up on the table and looks the hamster up and down a few times before shaking his head.  "It's definitely dead sir" states the vet.  "OK, how much do I owe you?" asks the man. "$500" says the vet.  "$500!?!?, how can that be?"  "Well, it's $100 for my diagnosis, $200 for the Lab report, and another $200 for the Cat scan."                              

...and hops up to a teller.  He can see from her name plate that her name is Patricia Whack.  He says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to borrow $30,000."  The teller asks his name and the frog replies, "My name is Kermit Jagger.  I'm the son of Mick Jagger.  Your manager knows me." Unconvinced, the teller says that she will need some identification, and some collateral against the loan.  The frog produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant and tells Ms. Whack that her manager will understand.  The confused teller goes to her manager.  "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger at my window who wants to borrow $30,000.  He gave me this pink elephant as collateral.  I don't understand?"  The manager looks it over and says,    "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack, give the frog a loan.  His old man's a   Rolling Stone."

...hits his tee shot three hundred yards straight down the middle of the fairway.  It hits a sprinkler head and careens off into the woods.  After a short search he finds the ball, but it is between a group of trees and he has no clear shot to the green.  He's really aggravated and decides-what the heck-he grabs his 8 iron and hits the ball as hard as he can, hoping for the best.  Unfortunately, the ball bounces off a tree right back at him, and hits him in the head and kills him.   He arrives in heaven and God himself is there to greet him.  Looking through his records, God sees that he is a golfer and asks, "Are you any good?"  The golfer looks at God and says, "I got here in two, didn't I?